THE FRIENDZONE.

In an effort to resist another easily misunderstood rant, like my one on ladies, I’m going to attempt to write to guys this time but in a way that is clear and hopefully not as enraged as my last post.

I’m going to aim this at all guys, because you seem to have such a huge presence on the internet. I have two points I want to make and you can take them or leave them. First I want to ask you today to seriously reconsider the use of the word friendzone.

I’ve seen this attitude online of despair and heartache at having relationships with girls who don’t date “nice guys”. I’ll get to my hatred of the term “nice guys” later (so much for calm) but first of all I want to say, I get it. Well, at least a little bit. I understand what its like to like someone only to be ignored. I understand unrequited love. And I understand that a lot of you are frustrated by girls who you are attracted to that complain about “why can’t more guys be like you” but don’t ever date you. This is obviously something painful and aggravating.

Before I even get into the main point though I have to ask, if this girl is causing you so much heartache…why is she worth it? From what I’ve seen online the girls who keep friendzoning guys seem kind of like second rate girls to begin with. Why are you idolizing this girl?

Putting that aside however, much as some of us would like to, girls can’t control our feelings, well not that much anyway. Sometimes you need to just face the fact that a girl can’t think of you in a romantic way. This is going to happen to you, you need to be ok with that. If you aren’t able to accept that people won’t like you back that’s a sign that you have some serious identity issues and you may be looking to a girl to make you feel validated as a man. That is dangerous and stupid. No girl or woman will ever be able to do that. That’s a job for your creator. Your manhood is not in how many girls you can get to sleep with you but in who your creator God made you to be.

And that is a leader.

As you may have guessed from my last post, I kind of hate the suburbia roles of the modern church. I believe however, that men were created to be leaders. Not in a controlling, domineering way but in a passionate way. Men are called to guide and to give strength. This is an area where I feel we are severely lacking in the modern church. If you aren’t ready to get hurt, I advise you to stop reading but this is something I feel so strongly about I can’t hold it inside anymore.

Being a nice guy is not good enough. I don’t want a nice guy. Holding open the door is great but what about taking me on an adventure?

You see, I don’t want my life to be nice and safe and healthy. I want my life to be a crazy, passionate, exciting and dangerous adventure. And you can’t get that from just a nice guy.

This is where girls sadly often turn to abusive and detrimental relationships with the “bad boy” but I believe its because we have this desire in our hearts to be excited-in every definition of the word. (not at all to justify those relationships or say they are better than you. You are clearly a healthier and safer choice but niceness doesn’t really offer a lot to fulfill that want for action and life)

I don’t want a guy who just isn’t mean. I don’t want a guy whose best qualities are that he respects me and thinks I’m funny. I want a guy who is as passionate for God and for life as I want to be. I want a guy who keeps me guessing, who makes my heart race.

I want a man who will push my limits. Not in a dangerous or disrespectful way, but a man who will challenge me to step further outside my comfort zone into life, into passion into experiences I would be too afraid to take on alone.

You see, I think that the way guys are viewed nowadays is a lot like how the modern church views Jesus. He was a nice guy right? Wrong. Jesus was a dangerous, crazy, passionate rebel who lived life with an insane desire to follow his father’s call. In C.S. Lewis’s word, “He is not a tame lion, but he is a good one”. If I want a guy who is following a dangerous, exciting and life giving creator, am I going to see that reflected in a “nice guy”?

And sadly I feel that most of my brothers do not fit this category, or at least don’t understand the gravity of it. I think a lot of you think that you are nice and that is good enough. It isn’t. Girls don’t want to be treated nicely, they want to be wooed. They want to be fought for. Think of the classical literature, the stories of knights slaying dragons for princesses captured by evil sorcerers. If you think the modern day equivalent of chivalry is to open the door for a girl you are so wrong. They had doors back then too. I can open doors myself. Where are you going to be when I am starved for friendship and crying in the night? What are you going to do when I am questioning my faith? What are you going to say when I tell you the evil one is attacking my heart and I am so depressed I want to move home and drop out of school?

If your idea of fighting for me doesn’t go any further than defending my name when people are feeling gossipy…I’m going to get killed. Or look for someone else who knows what fighting looks like.

I don’t want to have to pursue my man. I don’t want to lead the relationship. I don’t want him to give me space and respect my boundries, I want him to show up unexpectedly, constantly surprise me, let me know that he wants me.

Because if I have to pursue him, if I have to always be the one to text first, to get his attention, I don’t feel wanted.

I feel stupid. I feel insecure. I’m always questioning if he even is thinking about me. Worrying that I’m bothering him. That my feelings and problems are a burden.

Don’t do that to a girl.

Step up.

Get off the couch. Log out of Steam. Turn of the PS3. Do something with your life that makes a girl want to LIVE with you.