I’m writing that today because this afternoon God answered a prayer I prayed this morning, and have been praying for a couple weeks now, maybe even longer. I don’t mean God answers prayers like I prayed for healing and bam God slapped a holy band aid on my scabby knees. I mean God literally replied to me.

For awhile now I’ve been feeling a bit lost in life, I know where I want to/am called to be after school (or at least I think I do) but in the meantime I feel like I’ve been kind of floundering around in random classes and just watching time crawl by. This feeling of uselessness has been slowly creeping in on me for awhile now and it hit me pretty hard after I talked with my mom a few days ago. My mom is the best mom on the planet so I’m not blaming her for anything but she was teasing me about how I was spending my free time playing video games instead of looking for a job. That kind of stuck with me and today I woke up feeling kind of useless. No useless isn’t the right word. I felt like a bum and a mooch.

So lately I’ve been really praying that God would show himself to me. This morning I prayed that God would either do something amazing or open my eyes to what He is doing in my life. This afternoon I got my answer. I was singing with a friend of mine and it/He hit me with an answer. The reason I have no job, the reason I have no money, is so I can learn dependance on Him.

Now for a just-turned-twenty-year-old college art student, being dependent on one’s parents for money is kind of the worst feeling in the world. I’ve been dreaming and longing for the day when I have my own money to spend instead of scraping by on the money my parents can spare for me. I feel both like I’m a burden to them and like I’m unable to fend for myself. And I guess maybe that’s the lesson God is trying to teach me. I can’t fend for myself.

Growing up a Christian I’ve be blessed to have never fallen into anything dangerous or harmful or to have turned away from God but I felt like that’s always held me back from understanding just what God has saved me from. Now I feel that God is really showing me, “hey, you don’t just need me cause I’m some idea you grew up on. You really need me to survive.” That sounds cruel when I word it like that. I guess what I mean is that I’m finally seeing how dependent I really am/have to be on God to take care of me and I guess the reason I’m so broke right now is because honestly if I could really be truly independent, I probably wouldn’t be thinking about how much I need God. Where I am right now is where I need to be to fully understand what it means to be dependent on God.

In Psalms 86:1 David writes, “Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.” This makes me laugh because its exactly how I’ve been feeling. So I guess what I want to say is I’m praising God because He really is speaking to me and showing me why I am where I am.

So to finish I’ll just leave you with the rest of Psalms 86 because as I’m reading it I feel like the whole thing is so relevant to my life right now:

“Gaurd my life, for I am devoted to you. you are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my payer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life-men without regard for you. But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.”